Ever been in a group and suddenly realized, wow, I haven't said a word in ten minutes? The conversation moves freely around you. People laugh, trade stories, jump in. You sit there and wait for a moment that never seems to come.
Pretty soon the dreaded office parties and awkward interactions have you feeling like a singer with laryngitis.
What if that moment became comfortable? Not something to push through or escape, but a place you could simply be.
The quiet protector
The inner voice we hear is heavily influenced by ego. Ego is the great protector of our being. It doesn't care about pushing boundaries. It protects us at whatever cost, and in doing so, it can also keep us from venturing beyond our familiar routine.
When we think of ego, we might picture a flashy stockbroker type who interrupts, talks loud and flaunts what they own. But for some of us, ego is far more subtle. It is the voice that says don't do that. It comes up with a thousand good excuses not to do something, and every one of them sounds reasonable.
The story we tell ourselves
Picture that office party on the calendar. Two weeks out, it looks like just another obligation. A week later it is a small knot in the stomach. A few days out, the excuses start to line up. I'm tired. I have an early morning. Nobody will notice if I'm not there. I won't know what to say anyway. I don't have time.
It's not quite a lie, but it's not quite true either. On the day of the party, seeing yourself alone in a crowded room has become the epitome of fear, and skipping it feels necessary for survival.
That is the protective ego at work. None of these events have happened yet, but it feels so real. It is projected fear created to keep us safe from embarrassment, from rejection, from feeling out of place. The safety it offers is short, and the price is our own voice.
Loosening fear
We don't need to dread something that takes a half hour of our time. We do need to understand it for what it is.
The first step is realizing what is holding you back, and why. The what is usually easy to see. It's the party, the small talk, the fear of standing alone.
The why takes more honesty. It's rarely the event itself. It's the ego, protecting you from being uncomfortable with yourself in a crowd. This is where your inner self begins to shine through. Ask yourself, what is this fear protecting me from?
When you strip away that protective ego and become vulnerable with yourself, looking honestly at what holds you back, you gain power. The fear loosens its hold when you finally see where it comes from.
The red carpet
So you go to the party already angry because you forced yourself to go. Walking in feels like stepping onto a red carpet, all eyes on you, but are they? You dreaded going because you pictured yourself sitting around awkwardly with no one to talk to while everyone else engaged in conversation.
Looking around, you notice something. Much of the conversation around you is nervous chatter, not real connection. Other people are filling the silence for the same reasons you feared it.
Susan Cain, author of Quiet, puts it simply: "There's zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas."
You observe yourself, how you connect to the room, and you find you're okay with being there. You don't need to make mindless chatter. You can enjoy being there, because you recognize your inner self shining through. You're comfortable in that moment, in that space, and with your true self. The protective ego that caused your dread is gone, just another loose thought that has passed.
Within yourself lies the ultimate comfort. Not having the perfect thing to say, to wear, to show off like that stockbroker, but not needing it. The comfort comes from deep within, who you are in that quiet.
When we peer through our egos and understand where the fear is coming from, we empower ourselves from the inside out.
When the room is quiet, where does your comfort reside?
Loukas Wilson is a coach and the founder of True Self Horizons, which builds tools to help people reflect on their own patterns. He lives in Maine.
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