Ever have a moment in a conversation where you just stop listening? It could be a friend venting, a spouse after a long day, or a coworker who needs to talk. It is as if you are detached and the person is speaking at you. The babbling brook is winding through the hills and valleys and you are watching it go by. The nods, the smiles, the reflection is empty, and you need to catch yourself before you are caught. But why?
Why we stop listening
As humans we use language to communicate and verbal language takes more focus. Visual language is immediate and understandable. If I cross my arms and scowl, the other person can be reasonably sure that I am disapproving. In "Are Facial Expressions Universal?", Paul Ekman and Dacher Keltner write that people in a remote New Guinea culture "also recognized the same emotions" in faces as people elsewhere. Not everyone agrees how universal expressions are, but a face still says in a moment what can take us an entire dissertation to explain.
If I say, "picture a golden box," the mind fills in the rest. Did the golden box you pictured have lighting? Was it on a table or in some other setting? Was it large or small? I don't know, but the picture was yours, and you knew instantly what I meant. A picture fills in the blanks. Words are clunky by comparison, because we have to find the right way to describe something we already see and feel.
When we communicate verbally, we need to concentrate on someone else's version of events. They see it clearly, but we need to log it in our own minds and interpret its meaning through our own filters as well as the speaker's.
Pooling the brook
We are sitting by the brook, watching it flow. We hear the rushing water and see the ripples and currents. That water is the flow of information. How do we show that person we are listening, not get overwhelmed by the brook, and reflect back effectively?
A brook pools when there is resistance, and it can branch off into a smaller, calmer stream. When we reflect back to that person validating and showing that we understand, we are placing one point of resistance in the brook. The water pools, the stream focuses, and true information begins to reveal itself.
But how do we pool when there is such a flow? A thoughtful interruption is one way. But consider reflective reduction.
Reflective reduction
Reflective reduction is taking everything you just heard, boiling it down to the subject that carries the feeling, and reflecting it back.
Imagine this conversation: "I was at work and I saw a coworker I was avoiding because he put me on the spot in the board meeting. I told him I didn't appreciate it and I felt really embarrassed, and everyone else agrees that he shouldn't have done that, and I don't talk to him now, but I saw him and he tried to talk to me and I yelled at him and everyone saw it, and now I am more embarrassed and I really hate him and I think about how I just want him to get fired and..."
As a listener, that brook can be exhausting. It is so much information that the banks are eroding and sediment is churning in the water. Reflective reduction can help us. "It's upsetting, that someone would embarrass you in front of other people. How does that affect you right now?"
Notice the part that came up twice. That pattern is usually the one to reflect back.
Reduction just pools the brook. It validates, it extracts true information, and it asks for more focused information. By stripping away what surrounds the information, we aren't overwhelmed by it, and the true information reflected back in a reduced form is more potent while it validates.
Why the babble matters
There is another side to this. If the babbling never happened in the first place, if we built a dam and backed everything up so there was no flow, we would never hear what is truly going on. The person would never express what they need to and backing up emotions can have major effects on life. A dam restricts the brook's flow. A pool is a natural reflection and redirect.
When we remove the dam and let the rush of the brook flow as strong, hard and fast as it needs to, then pool it gently, the sediment settles to the bottom and purer, focused water creates its own stream. When someone is rushing and you feel overwhelmed, be patient and know that it will pool.
Practicing it
How can you have reflective reduction? It works for a friend, a spouse, a coworker or a client. Let the brook run first. Then reflect back one piece of it, the part that carries the feeling, in your own simple words, "That sounds really upsetting." Then ask one focused question about that piece, "Which part is bothering you most?" If you get it wrong, they will tell you, and that correction is information too.
On tone
Reflecting back to someone you love can sound like you are coaching them, and some people don't want that. In this case use the words you would normally use. Avoid adding your own current to the brook but agree as needed and provide gentle resistance. What matters is they know you heard them. Sometimes it's all they need in that moment.
When the brook is babbling, what does your reflective reduction look like?
Source: Paul Ekman and Dacher Keltner, "Are Facial Expressions Universal?", Greater Good Magazine, 2014.
Loukas Wilson is a coach and the founder of True Self Horizons, which builds tools to help people reflect on their own patterns. He lives in Maine.
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